I am further away from where I was this time last year than I have ever been on a New Years morning.
My whole life changed last January when I took Jeff to the hospital the day after my birthday where he languished for 10 days until he passed away on the same day as my mom 17 years ago.
Last year began a journey of learning about myself, my family, my friends and every core belief I thought I had figured out years ago.
It's amazing the things you get used to, the things that you normalize. Until one day those things aren't there anymore and you can't figure out how you ever let them not only dominate your life but define it. You believed that this is how your life is supposed to be and you can't change it and after all why would you want to? You've told yourself all these years that you are happy, maybe even satisfied and those doubts, lingering in the corners, occasionally popping their sad, droopy eyed face out of the shadows where just remnants of childish dreams that were never practical in the first place and now that you were a grown adult with wisdom and experience, they have no place in your life anymore.
Basically everything I held dear, believed in and molded my life around, got thrown in the dustbin and I was left standing in a colorless void with no direction, no anchor and not a single idea of what was going to become of me.
But just as I was about to let myself drown in the unknown, friends I had lost contact with while I was living in my "happy" life that I "didn't need to change", reached into my deepening abyss and pulled me up. Up and out into the sunlight that I hadn't seen in years.
I had forgotten what it felt like to feel the warmth and brightness of the day. I kept trying to go back inside. I didn't know how to "be" anyplace else.
But my rescuers wouldn't let me go back, and every day one of them was there to hold my hand, talk to me and assure me that would actually come to enjoy living outside my self imposed walls.
I am thankful for them every single day.
Especially my best friend of 50+ years. If it weren't for Sally I'm not sure I would have made it through the year. (I envision a post in the not too distant future with the photos of us as we grew up together).
Well, I think I waxed far too philosophic on this first post but I had to get it out of my system and now I can move on and enjoy writing through out the year.
We are 17 days and counting from our return to Disney World. It's been 12 years since our last visit and every single year I would watch the Disney Christmas Special and vow that we were going to go the next year come Hell or High Water.
But it never happened.
Until now.
As of right now, the trip is paid for and 8 of us are vibrating in anticipation. But I'm also vibrating a bit with anxiety hoping that our flight wont get cancelled (lots of cancellations due to airline workers testing positive for covid).
This whole journal is mostly for me but if someone else is reading it, I'll try not to bore you too much!
I'm hoping to do a photo a day so we'll start off the new year with Milo on my new fuzzy comforter cover that Sarah got me for Christmas.
